Fixing a Broken Heart

I have been buying a SGD$4.90 regular cafe latte from Coffee Bean on my way to work every morning since I started working at Bugis. That's not a very good sign since SGD$4.90 is like 10% of my daily salary. I'm not sure how I can keep this up, but I don't know if I have a choice. It's not really in my nature to drink coffee every morning, but lately I just can't seem to keep my eyes open. My tiny little eyes resemble pathetic thin slits when I wake up in the morning, even when I try my best to open them. It really sucks because I look worse than shit which is not a very glorious achievement.

I should probably start sleeping earlier. The truth is I haven't been getting enough sleep mainly because I haven't been sleeping before 3am since I returned from Melbourne slightly more than a month ago. It was really hard in the beginning, I don't know why emotions tend to run wild during the night. I scare myself sometimes. There's just this compelling need to voice out my heartbreak for some reason. It just overwhelms me and I can't help but just break down. At least no one is there to witness my shallow display of my vulnerability. It's just gets too much for me to bear and I don't know how to fix it. Worst nights are when I just cry myself to sleep, better nights I just doze off from exhaustion.

After a while, it got better as I tried to pick up the pieces initially. Lately it seems like everytime I attempt to pick up a piece, a couple of other pieces would just slip out of my hands. And the more frantic I try to pick up the lost pieces, the more I lose grasp of those pieces that have already been picked. It's really a big step back for me.

I was telling my friend the other day that on my good days I miss him less and on my bad days I miss him more. He replied, "Aren't they both bad days then?" Then I realised that even my good days were just plain crap.

My favourite foods don't taste so great anymore.
The air doesn't smell fresh to me anymore.
All the colours seem drained and less vivid around me.
I drag myself to everywhere I go.
Everything I do seems to be like a chore to me.

I don't bring my camera around with me anymore.

It's as if life just suddenly lost its meaning to me.

Everyday is just a big struggle for me to get by.

I really want to be happy again.
I really want this feeling to pass.
I really want to move on.

But I really don't know how.

I'm just so extremely emotionally exhausted now.

I feel really trapped yet I'm the only person who has the key to let myself out.

I've tried again and again. I'm getting very weary now.

I'm not sure how much longer I can keep trying.