23 And The Joke Is On Me

*Warning - It's a really long post!*

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately.

About the past. About the present. About the future.

This year marks my 23rd year of existence.

I've been studying for 14 out of the 23 years.

I'll be graduating at the end of this year (hopefully) with a Bachelor of Applied Science in Computing and Internet Technology.

Yet I still feel this lingering sense of unaccomplishment.

23 years old and I barely have anything to show for it.

Most of my friends already have a few years of working experience under their belt.

Other are pursuing their Honours and Masters degrees.

AND I STILL HAVEN'T EVEN GRADUATED YET!

When I was young I've never cared much for my studies. In my mind I always thought that I would eventually end up in a junior college (JC) and then move on to a local university after that, one way or another it would happen. I didn't realise that a lot of hard work had to be involved. It didn't help that everyone else of my generation in my extended family had gone to a JC. I just pretty much assumed that I would eventually end up there as well.

How naïve of me to assume that everything would just effortlessly fall into place by themselves.

The first stroke of reality struck me when I was 16 and struggling for my 'O' Levels. I just had the worse level of motivation. Completely no interest in my studies. Additional Maths just gave me a headache. All the trigonometry, differentiation and integration, it was just too much for my small and simple mind to take. I did like binomial theorem though. Chemistry was just too much memory work. All the periodic symbols and formulas. Physics just didn't make sense to me at all. Well, at least Mr Wong didn't make sense. He pronounces my name as SHA-RON instead of SHARE-REN. In the end, I was so completely lost that I just felt it was so much easier to give up.

I never really found something that I was good at in school. English and Literature were probably the only ones that I could moderately excel in. The only problem was that I was very inconsistent in them. I could do well if only the topics for the composition were easy for me to connect with or the questions for Literature were asking for narrative accounts instead of opinions. I found it really hard to think of a good story line and write it out elaborately in an hour. I also couldn't form my thoughts and opinions for Literature questions fast enough during exams. Writing just doesn't deliver that naturally for me in such a contrived environment.

I was so stressed and I just couldn't cope with it. I was hospitalised for 4 days, 2 weeks before my 16th birthday for a persistent high fever and a downward spiraling red blood cell count. My hospitalisation is one hell of a story. I'll save that for another day.

During my preliminary examinations, I scored a dreadful 28 points for my L1R5. You need 20 points or less to qualify for entry to JC in the first three months. I got an A2 for English and B4 for English Literature. Now you can imagine how well I did for the science and maths subjects to add up to the 28 points.

For my final O' Levels it was a B4 for English and C6 for English Literature. In total I got 21 points. I improved but it was still quite disappointing. Totally screwed up in Literature and it was my only humanity subject. I missed the cut-off entry point for JC which meant that I could only enroll in a polytechnic or private institution.

I wouldn't say I regretted enrolling in a polytechnic, most notably because I reckon that I probably wouldn't have survived two years of JC. Not to mention the mandatory Physical Education lessons! Climbing the stairs to my third storey HDB-flat in Singapore already leaves me breathless like an old lady. Don't expect me to do any 2.4km runs man. In secondary school, when everyone had finished doing four laps around the field, I would have just finished my first and just pretended that I've already done all the laps. No one would have believed I was that slow.

Also, I probably wouldn't have survived 'A' Level Chinese as well. I honestly believe that the B4 during 'O' Levels was a fluke. I got a C6 for my first attempt. I seriously don't buy the whole concept of bilingualism in Singapore.

I'm quite sure poly was the right choice. However, regarding the course chosen - Diploma in Information Technology, I'm not so sure. Programming was pretty fun and interesting at the start. After the first semester it got much more complex and confusing. Some algorithmns were so complicated that I just gave up trying to think it through. Nevertheless, I managed to survive the entire six semesters in three years.

My ideal choice has always been Mass Communications. At that time it was only offered in Ngee Ann Polytechnic. Now I heard four polys are offering the same course. Alas! The downfall of being conceived too early! My application that year had been rejected. Your English had to be at least B3 and above. So I retook my 'O' Level English paper because I wanted to re-apply for it in the following year. I improved by a grade for my re-sit, got a B3. However, after a one year at Nanyang Polytechnic doing my diploma IT course, I was already quite mentally spent and the idea of re-applying for the Mass Communications course just didn't came through in the end.

Now looking back in retrospect, I probably could have tried a little harder and placed a little more effort in my studies then. My first semester results were probably the best in the three years there. My grades just started to deteriorate from then on. My drive for my studies just doesn't last long somehow.

There was one point when things just got too much and I thought I couldn't make it. As usual I'd never try to face or solve my problems, running away from them just always seem like the easiest solution. You could say this is probably part of the reason why I'm here in Melbourne today. There were just too many problems to face.

During the year after I graduated from poly I didn't know what to do or where to go. I had no plans to further my studies nor had any intentions to get a permanent job. I was plagued by unemployment issues which led to a soccer gambling addiction. I lost a lot of money that until today I'm still afraid to tabulate the total amount of monetary losses incurred. I then heartlessly dumped my boyfriend of a year and got severely upset and dejected by my crush when he got attached. By the twist of fate I got into a freaky love/friendship triangle which led to my acquiring of a spanking new boyfriend. I got dumped by the new boyfriend after like one month - who does that to people? Tell me why does it have to be me? I then got involved in a fling with a Pakistani guy who was 10 years my senior and started terrorising all my female friends! Until today I still have no idea what exactly his agenda was.

All of it was such a huge strain on every aspect of my already pathetic human life.

After receiving three rejection letters from all three universities, I thought that was the last straw. There's nothing left in Singapore for me anymore.

And so I left.

That year I thought I had lived through enough shit to last me an entire lifetime.

Little did I know that there was more in store for me here in Melbourne.

It's funny how life just suddenly decides to play a cruel joke on you.

PS: I'm fine don't worry. Just needed a rant.
As they say - What doesn't kill you can only make you stronger.